none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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