I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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