I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
