Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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