we have pet lesbian snakes
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Randomize
