If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
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