I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
