i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
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