why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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