Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
Randomize
