there's paper in my vomit.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
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