he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Randomize
