Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
