just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
