if i can run in heels then i can drive
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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