She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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