I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
