I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
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