Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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