You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
