I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
