I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
No more Irish car bombs ever.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
