Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Randomize
