Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
