we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
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