I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Randomize
