I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
