last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
