I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
