Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
