normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
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