Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Randomize
