Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Randomize
