Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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