This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Randomize
