all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
Randomize
