I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize