How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Randomize
