someone threw a dead crab at me
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
