Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
