he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
