who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
