6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
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