i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize