based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
