Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Randomize