i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize