I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Randomize
