I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Pissing in la rieve gfox. Jer zsyuis diu drunk but it felt amazunbg
Dans le librearie ivetre. Hjhaha
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Randomize
