in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
Randomize