i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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