he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Banned from zoo.
Again?
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
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