there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
