Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
