he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
