New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
We have so much sex to catch up on
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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