I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize
