This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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