The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize