i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
Randomize
