i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
