i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
