She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
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